·

Accepting Food Failure

The kitchen is a place where I consider myself more or less infallible. Where some people are genetically blessed with the ability to solve complex math problems without the use of a calculator or even the Luddite’s pen and paper, my idiot savant blessing is that I can nail pretty much any recipe on the first try. I’m not afraid of making on-the-fly substitutions or trying out something new for an eight-person dinner party because I trust in my instincts.

I actually had an epiphany last month when sitting down to a dinner of homemade bucatini and lamb bolognese, wolfing it down too quickly without a thought as I plowed through one of the New Yorkers that are once again wantonly piling up on the coffee table. “Casey,” I told myself, “this is the kind of meal for which most people pay top dollar and you just inhale it like your cat who refuses to chew his soft food. Why aren’t you more impressed with yourself?

So this is my talent in life. I accept that. But.

Mayonnaise is my Waterloo.

homemade mayonnaise
recipe for disaster

Though nearly all of my food friends happily whip up vats of homemade mayonnaise at a moment’s notice, this is the one food fail that inevitably and undeniably will stump me. I’ve tried so many methods, and no matter what, I’m left with mayo soup. Nothing works. Not hand-whipping the oil into the egg emulsion, not using an immersion blender, not using a regular blender, not using a food processor–even with the Mark Bittman pour-the-oil-through-the-tiny-hole-in-the-feed-tube method.

(Side note: did anyone else not discover the existence of the tiny hole until recently? I always wondered how to drizzle liquids into my mini food processor, and now I see that there are not one but two holes in that guy. Made my cipollini onion-roasted garlic dressing that much easier to whir together.)

Oh, there have been nights when I’m making red velvet whoopie pies well past midnight and wondering how I got myself into this mess. But nothing brings me to tears and makes me pitch expensive equipment across the kitchen like yet another failed bowl of mayonnaise. All the eggs and oil wasted. Why do I even try again? I can make my own bread, grow my own tomatoes, and cure my own bacon, but my BLT will have Whole Foods 365 Brand mayo slathered on the slices henceforth.

mayonnaiseWhen you feel discouraged that everyone else in the foodosphere is curing olives, stuffing their own sausages, and whipping up a quick batch of kefir from scratch, just remember. Not everything is going to work out.

Instead, let’s find inspiration in failure. Even the most culinarily gifted of us have Achilles heels, and there’s no shame in taking the prepared shortcut if the challenge of doing it homestyle is besting you. (There is quite possibly shame in buying pre-packaged Thai noodles, but the security cameras at Stop & Shop have caught me doing that in moments of late-night sodium weakness, so there you go.) I’m also happy to support niche businesses for those who do one thing and do it well–a few extra dollars are well-spent on good product.

And now I turn the mic over to the commenters. What’s your food fail, the one recipe you can’t conquer? How did you get over your frustration?

FTC Disclosure: As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. Good Food Stories LLC receives a minuscule commission on all purchases made through Amazon links in our posts.

Similar Posts

26 Comments

  1. I’m usually good with mayo, but I totally killed a recipe a couple weeks ago. MAJOR Fail. Then I made a second batch right away. No problem. I use the recipe from the Italian cookbook standard “The Silver Spoon”.

    Consequently, I had egg whites. A LOT of egg whites-which I promptly burned trying to make meringues. Even the birds avoided that one. Such is life.

    1. Ugh, don’t you always feel so guilty about wasting egg whites? I try to hold onto mine and make other things rather than sending them down the drain – that’s how I discovered homemade marshmallow fluff!

  2. My biggest food failure isn’t so much the cooking of a dish, as it is trying to make a pretty Eggs in a basket. They come out looking horrendous. The dogs apparently know when this is going to be prepared because they know I am going to make about six before one comes out looking bad, but not horrible.

    Oh, and I can’t barbeque. Living in Texas, this is a crime, you know, not carrying a firearm, and not being able to cook barbeque. One time I got a phone call asking me if I was burning leaves (illegal), I said no, my friend said, there is a lot of smoke coming out of your back yard. …. My brisket was on fire, yep, a food failure.

    1. Steph, think of how much happiness you’re bringing the dogs with the eggs in a basket! The brisket… well, I don’t have an upside to that yet. Remind me to tell you of my sweaty frustrated brisket story someday.

  3. I don’t cook enough to have a comparable answer, but something similar would be my inconsistency at grilled cheese — I can’t manage to consistently get it as perfectly, evenly browned and melty as you do. Usually it’s a bit burned. This is why I have you, I suppose!

  4. how funny that you posted this last night~ as I was at home making mayo soup in my FP. It’s really sad…I went to culinary school! I have made mayo by hand! But God bless…give me a fp, eggs, lemon & oil and I will turn it into soup every time. **SIGH**

    btw…went through 3 batches last night before I finally got fed up and chunked the fp bowl.

  5. I wouldn’t cry over the mayo, Casey. Anyone who can make homemade bacon is a hero in my book. My failure? Poached eggs. Never, ever perfect.

    PS. Thanks for the itty bitty hole-in-the-mini food processor tip – never knew that.

  6. I just figure that’s why there are decent foods on the shelf in whatever store we frequent! And, it saves your time and energy for other wonderful creations!
    My failure/Waterloo? Let me count them up and get back to that!! Less-fattening mac and cheese seems to be an impossibility… guess I’ll give up trying to make one that tastes good and rely ont the fattening versions, just less frequently!

  7. Just love the phrase, “mayonnaise is my waterloo.” May I quote you? For me it was piecrust; it’s been such a relief to throw in the towel and buy pie crust dough or sticks. Just not worth the stress and the misery when it’s no good!

    1. You certainly may quote me on that phrase! It also works well because I’m pretty short, I speak French, and I rule my kitchen with tiny fists of fury. However, I do not wear epaulets when cooking.

  8. I don’t know that I have any one food fail. Every session in the kitchen is a struggle (though, I must admit, a satisfying one).

    I refused to help my mother in the kitchen when I was growing up. My first year living with my husband, I tried to dive in with a cookbook whose recipes took me HOURS to pull off… and then only tasted meh. For a year after that, I didn’t cook at all.

    Now I cook primarily from the recipes in Real Simple magazine because, well, they’re real simple, and typically turn out good. I’m a slave to those recipes, and I’m a bit envious of those of you for whom whipping up a meal sans recipe is just intuitive.

    Last night, I deviated from Real Simple and it was a total fail. I made a whole wheat pasta w/ spinach + mushrooms recipe from a diet book and managed to burn a good amount of the pasta. And the potato leek soup recipe I fond online ended up too watery.

    Ah well. I already have three new recipes I’m trying out tonight. And I’m especially eager to find a soup that I can master.

  9. Oh, I love this post! I have not yet tried to make my own mayo (it’s on the list) but there are some things I cannot make. 7 minute frosting simply does not work for me. Gnocchi don’t either (at least not with the texture I want).

  10. I have never been able to make Napoleon pastry, also called “milles feuilles.” Why, you ask, would I make the effort? Because I lived in France and this pastry was my daughter’s favorite. I finally gave up and bought it at the bakery. You are right. No shame in that!

  11. Let me put it this way: I’m pretty much a failure in the kitchen, so I’m fascinated with people like you who are so wonderful at it, Casey. Skip the homemade mayonnaise and start contributing to the local economy by buying it.

  12. There are some foods I would rather buy. French pastries in Japan are so good that I buy them, though I was once inspired to try to make some and bought a cookbook or two, after a trip to France. (Now, reading Alexandra’s comment above, I’m rethinking that). I am an intuitive cook too and feel I can pretty much recreate most anything, but surprisingly – I don’t feel confident about making kimchi! It’s one of those things that I just didn’t master because my mom makes it for me.

  13. I’m with Ruth, so I could pick out 10 things and probably fail at 9 of them. I can make home-made bread pretty well.

    But as in life, we don’t have to be experts at everything. That’s why we hire people to do that stuff for us – or buy it in the store. :)

  14. Ha! If I remember right Bittman offers the same advice about hollandaise sauce, which only works for my about 50% of the time. Sometimes smooth and creamy other times a chunky mess. I like your thoughts that it’s not failure–it’s an opportunity.

Leave a Reply